Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
