Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Randomize
