oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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