She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
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