on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize