how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Randomize
