I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
