I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
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