Where did you get a picture of my penis
So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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