i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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