Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
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