and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Randomize
