Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
