Just cropdusted the office
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
