nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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