oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize