:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
someone get that fucking seahorse.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
Randomize