How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
