I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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