I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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