I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
Randomize
