How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
