**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
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