I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Randomize
