You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
