Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
Applied 4 a nanny job usin a Legit Site. Xplain to me how the couple I found offered me a 3some complete with 'sexy pics' of the wife blowin hubby. wtf?
obviously you're part succubus.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
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