I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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