I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
