smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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