Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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