I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
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