your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
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