Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
