Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
