Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
