The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
You took a bar mat shot.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
There are leaves in my underwear?
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
