does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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