So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
