alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
