I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
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