I CAN MOONWALK!
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
