that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize