I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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