So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
