I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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