Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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