I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
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