I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
Randomize
