Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
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