The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Randomize
