the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
