I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
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