I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I just heard a girl say "We can't go that way, it is a one way street." She was on foot...Nothing worse than girl from the midwest that move to NY to "live out their dream" -the dream of living in a rat and roach infested 200sqft for $2k a month, and get fucked by some recent Ithaca college frat grad...
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
