My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
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