Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
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