Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
