I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Randomize
