i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
Randomize
