You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
