does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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