Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Randomize
