Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Hilbilly word of the day is cedar, example....I knowed she ain\'t got no panties on cuz I cedar cooter.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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